What Relationships Can Provide Attachment?

Meta Description: Do the terms “mommy” and “daddy” issues sound familiar? We might be right to blame our relationship troubles on our parents. This article describes the impact of our upbringing on our adult attachment in relationships, for example, our partner choices.

Have you ever thought about therapists’ fascination with our childhoods? Turns out, our bonds growing up mirror our adult attachment in a relationship. This is according to independent findings by John Bowlby and soon after, Mary Ainsworth. According to them, the way parents satisfy our needs as kids shape our adult perspective on how to be loved and treated. Their work on attachment in a relationship has been critical to the Attachment Theory.

Since birth, we rely on our caregiver’s comfort during distress. Unreliable attachment in a relationship creates insecure adults. It can occur if a parent ignores their child’s pleas or is inconsistent in their assistance. Some adults may show up for their kids but with the wrong support. For instance, a parent may sympathize with their child, but admitting a challenge is impossible when all they need is encouragement.

What Relationships Offer Attachment?

Strong attachment in a relationship exists when a mother and her baby perceive each other’s feelings. The primary caregiver’s job is sharing happiness, communicating via emotions, forgiving, and calming the infant. Note that attachment in a relationship is unique. As such, parents need not be as good as they can. Though they may not understand their baby’s needs every time, they should be emotionally present for the most part.

But attachment in a relationship isn’t necessary for adults. So, what is non-attachment in a relationship? Contrary to what we may think, lack of attachment in a relationship isn’t indifference. It just demonstrates our ability to thrive separately from our partners. Therefore, we’re better equipped to handle the pain of loss when it happens. Other benefits of the absence of attachment in the relationship are:

•         Inner peace
•         Better parenting
•         Emotional stability
•         Control over stressors
•         Capacity to make logical decisions

Attachment Styles in a Relationship

Attachment in a relationship can be:

Secure

Lovers are positive about themselves and each other, which allows them to ask for support and offer it in return. Secure attachment in a relationship stems from dependable childhood caregivers. Individuals are loving but independent, hence no need for constant affirmation.  If our partner says they won’t leave, we’re confident of being with them till the end.

This form of attachment in a relationship is free of fantasy bonds that occur because we’re guarded but scared of loneliness. When we are confident and feel loved, we may open up and give proportional feedback.

Dismissive Avoidant 

This category of attachment in relations has individuals who consider themselves better than their partners. According to them, attachment in a relationship is a weakness. Not to say they’re abusive. Neither are they rude or cheaters. We just feel the lack of emotional attachment in relationships.

Don’t be surprised by the “you have a caring boyfriend” remarks. Such lovers have mastered social graces. However, failure to meet their impossible ideals ends in detachment. The mode of handling pain in this attachment in a relationship is running away from the source of suffering. In most cases, dismissive individuals have a past of unfulfilled romance. Other characteristics of this attachment in a relationship include:

•         Unanswered texts
•         Blocking
•         Popping in and out of our lives without explanation
•         Slowly leaving the relationship

Fearful Avoidant

This attachment in a relationship describes people whose response to lack of bonds is dreading connections altogether. But they’re still open to relations. They may even look for partners on platforms like dating sites. While the anxious attachment in a new relationship may be nonexistent, the individual is bound to retreat from this attachment in a relationship when it gets serious.

They neither want to be too close or too isolated from their partner. It’s like fearing the same person we approach for safety. Though they give in to their feelings, at last, being unaware of how they should be treated renders emotional wrecks. It’s not uncommon to find this kind of attachment in abusive relationships.

Anxious Preoccupied

They yearn for connections since their childhood needs were dismissed or not sufficiently met. Even so, they doubt their worthiness and the possibility of being loved. Think of this attachment in a relationship as wanting to depend on others but questioning their capacity to support us as we wish.

“Needy” and “clingy” are terms used to describe such individuals. Though their relations could be long-term, anxious-preoccupied people may struggle to find happiness because of the constant worry of being left. Those in this type of attachment in the relationship may also:

•         Focus solely on their partner’s good qualities.
•         Believe their current relationship is their only shot at love since they’re compatible with few people, and it takes forever to find someone else.
•         Stay despite being unhappy because all couples fight and their partner will change.

How to Overcome Attachment in a Relationship

The next step after understanding what emotional attachment is in a relationship is healing. The good news is that attachment isn’t permanent. However, ditching our insecurities isn’t easy. We may reject people who see us positively for those who view us as we view ourselves. The following tips will guide us on how to increase attachment in a relationship:

Date a Person with Secure Attachment in Relationship

Like people hurt us, so they will fix us. By having supportive partners, we see secure attachment in relations at work and experience how great it feels. Secure individuals will:

•         Not oppose their partner’s independence
•         Convey their feelings and enjoy intimacy without compromising their independence
•         Provide and accept emotional support
•         Convey their feelings but not too intensely early in the relationship

Consult a Therapist

Apart from spotting tendencies in the relationship, the psychologist shows us how to distinguish assumptions from facts. Dialectical behavioral therapy experience is a plus. That way, we learn how to handle our emotions and navigate disagreements. We can even visit the therapist with our partners who haven’t gotten secure attachment in a relationship. The therapist will prevent trouble in the future.

Practice Secure Attachment in Relationship

The only way to conquer our insecure attachment in the relationship is facing it. This means we must embrace the discomfort that intimacy brings lest we regret losing partners because of fear. Consider it exposure therapy. Supposing someone is afraid of bugs, being near them would end their phobia rather than avoiding them.

Bottom Line

Aside from influencing how we see our lovers, attachment in a relationship determines our feelings towards ourselves. What are you doing to make your attachment in a relationship secure? Please let us know in the comment section below.

 Author’s bio:  

Miranda Davis is a freelance writer in the relation and psychology area. Miranda is interested in such topics as building healthy relationships between people, love/sex compatibility, and how to find the right balance in life in general. She is currently doing specific research on the topic. Miranda loves cooking and long-distance walking.